The Pain in the Desert

 

Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. (Deut. 8:2)

Memories of one of my desert seasons still gives me literal nightmares.  For years I have gloried in reflecting upon that season, and thanking God for bringing me through.  Partly, I thought God brought me to this particular place to help me "grow up".  Since the dreams didn't seem to stop, I had to dive further into my heart.  Why do these memories seem to cause so much fear or pain?  Shouldn't I be over whatever happened back then because God used it for good?  But that's the problem, God used them for good, but He didn't draw me into the desert to cause the pain.  The pain in those few years were not a direct result of the chastisement of the Lord.  A father may discipline his son, but discipline is different from punishment. 

I've come to realize that the pain we experience in the desert isn't God's fault.  It is our heart that isn't conditioned for the desert.  God in His mercy will draw us into the arid places so that we might see where we are lacking.  Jesus was also led into the desert (Matthew 4:1) but His heart was only proven as faithful.  The Israelites wandered for 40 years in the desert only to see that they had unbelieving hearts who needed the Christ.

I realize it may have been some wrong views of God that led me to this wilderness. So, I'm beginning to interpret the Scriptures a little differently.  Is what I'm reading from a condemning voice that inflicts punishment?  Do I read words of Jesus through the voice of disappointment?  Oh, Lord help me when I act more like a performance-driven orphan instead of your child.  Help us to hear your voice in the Scriptures just like your sheep...your children...hear your voice.