Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it

I'm learning that God still doesn't love me based upon my performance.  I've been learning that the hard way.  Obviously, the only way we can learn this is usually by messing up a lot and still feeling the approval of our Father.  I'm not even going to balance this statement with a "BUT we should TRY...".  I'm not.  I'm tired and fed up with trying to please Him for the fear that He will look down on me with disdain or condition.  So much of this life is striving to please Him when the one thing I'm learning is that I cannot--aside from Jesus!  My doing good, my following the rules, all those things are filthy rags to Him.  I can't seem to grasp this concept quite yet.  Do I want to do the right thing?  Of course, but it seems to get harder day in and day out, out here on the bookfield.  I've made mistakes, not being faithful in the little things.  God, how can you still seek to bless me?  Help me to understand this.  I've found myself

There are plenty of times when we realize that we have absolutely, positively no control over any of our circumstances in our lives.  This week, yesterday to be exact, was one of those moments.  Let’s just say I’ve been mad about things.  I’ve gone from sadness to anger towards God.  I know it’s not right.  I know I hate that I have hated Him for bringing me here.  I know there’s a reason for it all, but right now I’m angry because a lot of this seems pointless from my vantage point.  I was asking God a lot of “why” questions last night and I sat in silence in my car drive home from the bookfield.      No one was answering their phones last night save for my dad.  After chatting with him, and trying to call a few others on my way home, I knew, I KNEW God was telling me to talk to Him.  I didn’t want to though.  I was mad.  I still am a bit, and I know I have no right to be.  If I know the story of Job, I’m on dangerous waters.  So, there I was cruising home and the opening line t

I was not being an “emotional giant” of sorts the Monday morning of week eight.  For some reason everyone was testing the strength of the hinges on their doors up until about one o’clock that day.  It’s probably only a feeling you can understand if you have actually tried this job.  However I got fed up with the morning’s events and followed my manager’s advice and moved to a new area to start working a new school district.  Marie was the first woman I met that sat down with me and genuinely listened to what I was doing.  She seemingly had a nice house from the street, but as I was walking up to her door I noticed the imperfections of her brown lawn, unkempt bushes, and spider webs on her porch railings.  We sat down in two folding chairs in her garage and after about eight minutes she expressed she really had no money to buy anything. “I’m literally trying to keep my house.  I am on disability and I get $675 every month from the government.” I was packing up my bookbag w

There are a few stories I want to share but I don't think it's time.  I want to share what's on my heart and mind before I set out on another great adventure on the bookfield. Lord, I want and need you to give me my positive attitude.  I need to choose it.  I choose it now.  I love you Father, will you please make my joy complete so that I am mature and not lacking anything.  I am not going to try and figure everything out all the time.  It's not like God is putting me through a string of tests to say, "Ah-ha!  I knew you would fail!"  No, He's rooting me on.  Giving His full approval as I set out on this week.  He is saying, "You can do it!  Give it your all!"  Sometimes we get caught up in our minds too much and our they get the best of us.  No more.  I'm going out there tomorrow to restfully enjoy each family and love of moms all day long. " Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD

So there was a time in my life when I really dug down deep into my heart of hearts and allowed Jesus to touch my life very deeply.  It was probably one of the most painful seasons of my life to-date.  I was just 20 going on 21 years of age.  It really wasn't that long ago, but it feels like an eternity.  I've been looking back at some old journals tonight to gain some perspective for the next week and I found sentences flooded with tears of joy and anguish.  With sadness and frustration, it was ultimately the closest time I have ever spent with Jesus.  I found him at a greater capacity in that season.  Times spent in His presence are almost common-place, but I think I have taken that for granted as well. However, I realized this past week after not selling a whole lot, that my highest boast and greatest desire is no longer Jesus.  I love Him, I really really do, but I have recently erred on the side of admiration versus passion that I had once before.  I opened my journal up