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Coming to a Close

I'm learning that God still doesn't love me based upon my performance.  I've been learning that the hard way.  Obviously, the only way we can learn this is usually by messing up a lot and still feeling the approval of our Father.  I'm not even going to balance this statement with a "BUT we should TRY...".  I'm not.  I'm tired and fed up with trying to please Him for the fear that He will look down on me with disdain or condition.  So much of this life is striving to please Him when the one thing I'm learning is that I cannot--aside from Jesus!  My doing good, my following the rules, all those things are filthy rags to Him.  I can't seem to grasp this concept quite yet.  Do I want to do the right thing?  Of course, but it seems to get harder day in and day out, out here on the bookfield.  I've made mistakes, not being faithful in the little things.  God, how can you still seek to bless me?  Help me to understand this.  I've found myself revisiting the same old remedy.  He STILL loves me?

This week was a turning point in my journey out here.  Tuesday morning I prayed out of desperation and a little anger to have the strength to go to the first house.  The assurance I got was, "You will see Me do something BIG today."  I thought for sure someone would come to know Jesus in my time with them.  Little did I know, it would be me.

I met a woman that deeply needed prayer and a listening ear.  I wouldn't have started a conversation with Angela had it not been that my iPod was stolen from my car last week.  I've been restricted to listening to KLove on the radio all day and as I approached her house I heard the same new song (that they play 50 times a day, *grin*) from her radio in her garage.  After Angela told me I was misinformed that she had elementary kids (no accident in God's eyes) I mentioned the radio station.

"Oh!" She exclaimed with childlike zeal, "You love Jesus too?!"

"I do!"

"God is so good, if only you knew what He has done in my life."

I was in desperate need that morning of seeing the bigger picture of things so I dove a little deeper.  "Well what's your testimony, real quick?"

We clicked almost immediately through what is only God's doing, and with many tears and prayers Angela and I encouraged one another with things that each of us had struggled in and conquered along the way.  To keep things simple, let me just mention that her husband had left for a business trip five days before and her house and heart were not at peace but war with this present darkness.  So, we warriors put on the full armor of God.

"I can't believe God brought you to me today..." She whispered over and over again throughout the conversation, almost like a woman in shock over opening a very expensive gift.

Lastly, Angela prayed that God would make me stronger.  He has, He is.  The moment my tears really hit the cement was when God said, "This was the BIG one."  With that moment the summer and all its work grew to a satisfaction and resolve.  I felt like my summer ended once those words were spoken, but I still have a few more days, so I know there are a few other things to be done.  We shall see what God has in store for the next few days.  May I mention as well that Angela also prayed for someone very dear to my heart.  I don't know that person yet as they will be, but with every day that passes, I can feel the arrival of this individual soon, and very soon.



Wednesday I was given the opportunity to encourage and pray with two other crying moms.  I'll save those stories for another day.

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