Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it

It would be silly of me to not write about my very favorite holiday:  Christmas.  This particular year I have decided that It's a Wonderful Life is not only my favorite Christmas movie, but probably my favorite movie of all time, save for You've Got Mail ...hmmm, it's a close call.  If you know me, ranking films is an important pass-time.  Well, just the five films that I like and continue to watch over, and over, and over again. One reason I love it so much is the cast of actors.  But the biggest reason is how I think most people can relate to it.  George Bailey had his whole life planned out.  He had big dreams.  He wanted to "make something of himself" only to be humbled and humble himself to the death of those dreams.  How do I know?  He said it so himself: "I don't want any plastics , and I don't want any ground floors, and I don't want to get married - ever - to anyone! You understand that? I want to do what I want to do!"   Sound

I saw a woman standing outside a convenience mart smoking a cigarette.   I was fueling up my little tan car when I wondered if I should start a conversation with her.   I fought my own brain, and wondered if that was God’s voice or my paranoia.   She wasn’t relatively close by any means. I plainly took my receipt and drove on.   Now jump to this logical thought.  The things I’ve heard about marriage are all true.   I have listened to love story after love story and all the couples say that they have been joined together to bring further glory to the Lord.  Marriage is ultimately a mirror of God’s love for His bride, and these teams are used for expanding His kingdom on earth.  Those are all true statements.  Most of the time I agree with them because I do think it would be easier to go on a mission trip with your husband.  Yes, it would at times be easier to serve and love someone unconditionally when it is your beautiful wife.  But what about the here and now?  How can being single

A potter starts out with a vision and idea.  One pair of hands skillfully creates the object of the artist's desire.  Sometimes the clay becomes a pitcher for water, a vase for flowers, or maybe a cookie jar.  What once started out as an image in the potter’s mind becomes a reality. However, would a piece of clay actually become the intended shape if there were, say, two hands upon the clay?  The clay might be created into a work that could hold flowers or water, but guaranteed it would not be at all what the first artist originally intended.  Now what would happen to the piece of clay if we did not only have two pairs of hands, but three, or imagine even fifty.  The more pairs of hands, the more artists and differing ideas. Would this clay be considered "well rounded" as an individual after 100 hands have meddled in it, each with it's own idea?  I doubt it.  Perhaps the original Creator would know best.  He’s the one with the vision and good intent.   “So I

Honestly, I don’t have enough money to pay off my school bill for this semester.  Long story, but I tried to do the right thing with my finances and loans and it’s just not happening this time.  I can’t register for next semester yet. Honestly, I just found out I didn’t pass my accounting class at Metro with the EASIEST teacher there.  Must have been that final.  Honestly, again, I was just driving in my car for the last ten minutes wondering why I am even going to school. Still being honest here, I piled on the credit hours this fall because I just want to be DONE.  I don’t want it. Yup I'm still talking truthfully, I started college because God shut the doors on that ballet thing I had going for a while.  Now that the confessions are out of the way, if there’s one thing I learned on the bookfield, it was to NEVER quit.  I’m not going to question God, because for some ODD reason this is where He has me.  It’d be different if I felt like the Lord was calling me to other things

I think it's "day six" but honestly this is the saddest excuse for a topic to journal about.  I haven't been keeping track of this thing like that one movie where Amy Adams cooks a Julia Child recipe everyday.  I have been to Dallas and back again this weekend.  God really blessed me with sweet fellowship and sisterly affections.  I was not kept from romantic movies, but I did not pursue and seek out ooey-gooey sentiments.  Instead of movies, though, I was with my sister and her husband all weekend. Never have I seen a couple more affectionate to each other.  Partly, it's because I get to see the intimate moments between dish washing and laundry that others don't. Even after a whole weekend of "babe" and "I love you, babe", I'm not sick or cynical.  The thing is, I don't want to put down the books or sweet cinema.  I rather like it. Now lets just be honest ( "I thought she was being honest..." says reader) I tell myse

This is really silly.  Why did I agree to taking away all my favorite movies when I'm feeling sick?  Being a frail little thing where your best dressed outfit is your vellore pants and favorite band t-shirt, seriously reminds me that I am at the hand of God's mercy everyday. As for my "challenge", yesterday I did end up watching "Becoming Jane".  I forgot I told a friend I would have her over to watch it.  I didn't think it was really breaking my rules because it doesn't end happily under my definition of "yay!".  I assume that's what I will be watching from now on:  sad movies or "Elf". For now, I will sleep, sleep, and more sleep.  I will drink tea, tea, and more coffee.  I eat cough drops and Mucinex like candy, BUT!  I will get better no doubt.  Despite the lulling headache and sniffles, I'm feeling practically perfect to fly down to Dallas to visit my sister.  Yep, I'm fine.

9:08 PM I’ve been challenged by a friend.   I will let go of all media that relate to the romantic nature.   This is a problem because m y favorite movies include:   You’ve Got Mail, Sabrina, and of course Pride and Prejudice.  These things fill my brain with swoony thoughts because we humans love…well…love.  I'm done with this world telling me I'm "worth" something if "someone" would just love me.  I would like to tell you something Mr. World, I was bought with a price, I know my worth.   Please don't think me jaded or cynical (how can a hopeless romantic be cynical?!) but it is f or this very reason I will try to avoid romantic novels and movies for one week.   Let’s see if I can! First problem I encounter is that I’m reading “Little Women”.   Nothing says “sappy romance” like four virgins hauled up in a cottage during Christmastime, fighting against societal norms.   One reason why I picked up the book was because I do like how our heroine, Jo, grow

Three nights ago I was flipping through a few red Moleskin journals from about a year ago.   They are lined with apologies.   Last week I went to a young adult group and heard a sermon on condemnation and the freedom we have from it in Christ.   Two weeks ago a dear friend prayed for me, “You’re head is down, but when you’re ready He wants to show you Himself.”   And two months ago, I received more prayer that said, “God wants you to know your worth”. The same night I was reading the red journal entries I kept thinking of that verse, “One thing I ask Lord, this is what I seek:   that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek him in his temple.”—Psalm 27:4   As I began to pray I found it was really hard to remove my hands from my face.   The utter idea of Jesus seeing me for who I am made me start to cry.   I couldn’t remove my hands as they grew wet with my tears.   I felt God say to me so many things at that moment.  

I was going for a drive in my car this evening.   Ever since I sold books, I drive more now with the wind whipping through my hair and music louder than ever before.   Praying on the drive tonight, I began praising and simply acknowledging what God has taught me and matured me in these past few years.   With all that said, it came along with what I hope God changes in my heart.   I said things like, “Lord, wow how you’ve grown my dependence on you and returned my identity from what men think to what YOU think…”   Pretty cool healing has gone on (annndd will continue..). Not long after, I was pondering about His kingdom coming on this earth as it is in heaven.   I get down thinking I’m not obedient to inklings of His Spirit, or I don’t have enough faith!   I want to witness miracles, healings of the sick like the lame, diabetic, cancer, and death.   God, what has gone wrong with me or this generation?   As I got home I turned to John 14:12-14, “I tell you the truth, anyone who has fa

Warning:  Open-hearted thoughts are stated and words like "intimacy" are used. Here I am on the brink of my twenty-second year.   It feels good.   I feel like I’ve climbed a tall mountain and now I’m at the top, and as I look down on the vast expanse below I think, “how did I get here?”   God has accomplished so much in my heart.   Let us praise Him! I’ve changed a lot this past year.   It’s not like I’ve lost ten pounds and got a tattoo of the Jesus fish on my ankle.   The difference is in the dark night of the soul.   It’s almost like when Crayola came out with the 24 box of crayons, then the set of 50, then the box of 100.   They added colors to the box of ten crayons that you didn’t know could exist.   In the end you’re glad for it, because it makes your picture much brighter.   Silly analogy?   I suppose, but that’s all I got. One year ago today I was praying for what God would want for year twenty-one.   “Just Me and you…”   Even though I found myself alone with Jesu

First things first.   Dear Bookfiled, I wish you would stop haunting me with thoughts of Mrs. Jones or a creepy house.   However, with every day that goes by, God is kind enough to show me how to appreciate you.   I was reading in an old journal from a year ago.   I actually prayed the words, “Lord, sanctify my obedience and trust.”   I even was asking for forgiveness because I know I complain a lot.   Wow did I EVER get what I prayed for?   Sometimes those are like “broccoli prayers”.   You know they’re good for you, just perhaps not tasty at the time.     “This is the confidence we have in approaching God:   that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.   And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.”—1 John 5:14-15 Love,                Al è tcha Second things second. Dear Alicia,                “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord.   ‘As the heavens are higher than the e

Many apologies extended to my three readers.   I know I never posted an ending to my summer excursions.   I’m sitting in the familiar orange chair at my Starbucks and I am trying to form sentences to finish off this adventure.   Slurring through my thoughts I am almost hostile with my thinking. “What the heck just happened to me?”   I won’t know for a long time, my friends.   Your guess is as good as mine.   I think God will use it for years to come.    “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the  glory  that will be  revealed  in us.”—Romans 8:18 Here’s a friendly reminder: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=157ng8tkMDI

Windmills don't move.  They stand alone.  That wheel spins, and spins, and spins, but it gets nowhere.  However, on the inside electricity is being created for great currents of strength. I've been going like that windmill.  Seemingly I am going nowhere, but it is Christ that resurrects great power and strength inside of me that I cannot see.  His work is powerful and will be used for a noble purpose, even if I cannot see it being formed. "He said to me, 'You are my servant, Israel, in whom I will display my splendor.'"--Isaiah 49:3

No time to talk.  Let's just say in a bit I will reminisce on what God is teaching me, but for now this is all I have: As my brother-in-law put it, "It's not in the beginning of a time of fasting when you realize why God brought you to that place, but it's at the end.  It's when the hunger pains begin that we can either one--plan our first meal, or two--seek out understanding." This also reflects Jesus' life on earth as well.  It wasn't until the end of his life that he finally said, "Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say?  'Father, save me from this hour'?  No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour.  Father, glorify your name!"--John 12:27-28 Father, glorify your name!

Friday, I looked down at my hands.  What would Rhett Butler think?  “Scarlet, you have work hands!” ran through my brain.  Each fingernail was jagged and dirty.  My bruise from the dog-bite has not completely healed on my left thigh.  Each knuckle on my right hand has a callous from millions of knocks, and my hair is brittle.  “Father, please let this end.” Now, I know this isn’t very positive thinking, but I believe I hit that moment.  It’s the moment where only God can come through to help me with these last eighteen days of selling.  Also on that day I was crying out to God and asking why, why He had not come through with as many sales as I’d have liked.  I kept wondering if it was something I had done.  I felt guilty.  “My blessings are not merit-based, Alicia, just as salvation is not based on what you do, but what has been finished ." "For is is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works,

Well I came out here to get exactly what I wanted.   I am utterly humbled by this.   Christ covers over my ungrateful heart and is teaching me thankfulness. There’s a lot changing around here.   There's t oo much God’s teaching me that I’m overwhelmed by all His waves.   I just know that He is my sanctuary.   What an oxymoron, but it’s exactly what I need.   As of right now--as I write this--I am letting go of something I’ve held onto so tightly that I need Jesus to lovingly hold onto me tighter to numb the pain.   For once, it’s non-book related. What I’m learning from this:   " I need You more, more than words can say." Everyday. Every moment. “The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread, and he will be a sanctuary.”—Isaiah 8:13

Nicole was wearing a cute pair of brown ankle boots that set atop her wheelchair footrest.   That’s the second thought I had about her after the initial thought of being thankful I am able to walk.   I approached the brunette girl of age fourteen and asked if her mother was home.   “She’ll be back later.” As I walked back to my car I just knew, “Alicia go pray for her…If you can knock on doors, you can ask people if they know Jesus”.   My approach was less professional than the one I give for selling books. “Hi, uh…I know I’m out here selling books…and I…uh, well I’m not out here like a Jehova’s witness-er-anything, but do you know Jesus?” Nicole sweetly replied, “well, yes.”   I perhaps grilled Nicole with a few more confirming questions and then asked if I could pray for her. “Oh, and do you have a Bible?” “Well yes, but it’s stored away somewhere.” “Do you want mine?   I have two in my car.” “Yes, please.” After grabbing my pocket Bible from the car I ran and knelt down in-fro

This post isn’t much about the previous week, but about what is to come.   Last week I learned a valuable lesson:   The power of spoken words.   It wasn’t until Friday night that I realized the words I was speaking to myself were bringing death rather than life. “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord, keep watch over the door of my lips.   Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil, to take part in wicked deeds with men who are evildoers; let me not eat of their delicacies.”—Psalm 141:3-4   What’s done is done.   Week seven is upon me, and even as I have the second half to accomplish, I feel it is the end.   God has called me to this summer for a specific purpose, but it has yet to be fulfilled.   He is asking me to be bold, and I this is only the surface of how deep He wants to take me.   I have also learned that being expectant of results is not a bad thing.   Last week I expected myself to sell a lot of books, and I did.   I finally have a better understanding of what Jesus meant by ha

“Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me.   Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name.   Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.”—Psalm 142: 6-7 “Heavenly Father, please…please…just be here.   Just meet me.   Please come to meet me where I am.   I cling to you.   I need you.   Abba!   Help me, Father.   Let your mercy come speedily to meet me, for I am in desperate need.” Repeat that prayer all day.   It never gets old out here.   I’ve had my “best week” out here so far, and I didn’t do any of it.   Tuesday around five o’clock I was knocking on empty doors with tears in my eyes.   No one seemed to be home, and I was getting tired of it.   Somehow, no one on the street had kids.   Somehow, no one wanted to hear what I had to say.   After driving past this run-down trailer about three times, I finally was desperate enough to see if they had children.   After a solemn d

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.   And he will be called Wonderful Couselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.   Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.”—Isaiah 9:6-7 Okay, my Sunday night blogs are now starting to form a pattern.   This pattern surrounds the word “exhaustion”.   At breakfast this past week I read the verse in Isaiah 9 and began to cry.   I’m tired.   I feel a little like Israel at this point.   When, WHEN will I find rest?   Back during the Christmas season I listened to a sermon on the “angst of waiting”.   It magnified the prophecy in those verses and how Israel must have felt when they realized finally they were no longer going to be tossed from one government to the other.   “and the government will be upon his shoulders…” O come, O come Emmanuel.                                          “Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end."

One:  Everyone on earth is selling books. The only difference between me and Mrs. Jones is the temporary comfort of her living room.  I peer through the window into the calm home.  There’s a plush couch in the corner with a vase of flowers in the middle of the coffee table.  In spite of the state of her crisp, clean house I know by her weathered face that she’s just as drained as I.    Do we get it that this whole world is tired, beat down, restless, and exhausted?     “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”—Matthew 11:28-30 Two: At one point in the week I wondered if there was anyone who would listen to my plea.  I just wanted to stand on the street corner and shout, “Who wants some books?!”  Instead of course, I pursued the dark brown door in front of me and knocked.  Then the verse fro

“But put on  the  Lord Jesus Christ, and make  no   provision   for the   flesh , to gratify its desires.”—Romans 13:14 There truly is a greater joy than our fleshly comfort.   I don’t really recognize myself right now.   I’m not sure if it’s the new city I’m in or the fanny pack I wear, but somehow God’s voice is more prevalent.   Knocking on doors just seems to remove all that is familiar to me.   As a whole, I see more clearly His divine calling in this place.   He has been preparing me for this for a long time.    “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”—Ephesians 2:10 I don’t have to worry about perfection, because God will accomplish what He wants through this.   I pray I will be more attuned to his voice.   Wow.

“My name is Lucas.   I have Aspergers,”   said the little boy of about seven years old.   I don’t know why out of my entire first week of selling, this skinny boy with glasses sticks out in my mind the most.   His parents didn’t buy.   As I packed up my books and was about to head for the door I sat one more moment at the kitchen table and pulled out the science “Explore and Learn” sample book.   “Lucas, come here really quick!”   The boy scurried from his building blocks in the living room and intently looked down at the pages.   He peered through his glasses like an old man reviewing his tax return statements.   Vigorously, Lucas flipped through the pages, one by one, and scanned each as if he read the entire thing in one minute.   Within that minute, God filled me with an overwhelming love for this little boy.   He has a disability, but what did that matter?   What was so amazing was his vigor and drive for life.   Somehow, this boy taught me more about living in that moment, than

God is sending me out on an adventure, which by my standards contains no boat or plane ride to Europe, so it’s hardly an adventure at all.  Selling books door-to-door—please, this will just be a musing to tickle my faith and trust in Christ. The pit of my stomach does not believe those words.  Am I absolutely mad?!  As I packed up my things and left Starbucks for the last time, I realized this is going to change my life.  I made plans to do a lot of things but I find that I’m doing exactly what I have violently planned against.  I would not have chosen college or the bookfield.  Somehow though I am finding enchantment in these strange places, for His power is made perfect in my weakness.  If to live is Christ, I will seek my greater joy in His glory while out there.  Now Father, I am weak.  Please perfect your strength in me, for that will be my greatest joy.  I only ask for your mercy.  This is a mercy to me now. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is

I am tired of making the Christian life look good.  I might as well wear the t-shirt that says "Christians have more fun".  When Jesus said we could have life to the full (John 10:10), I am told He was not wearing the t-shirt.  If anything His shirt would say "fullness of life found here".  It's futile of me to think we Christians need to persuade the world that we love our lives.  In fact Paul said, "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men."--1 Corinthians 15:11  If indeed Jesus has been raised, then my living is not empty.  I fix my eyes on the prize.  That prize is not less drinking, fewer swear words, and a "good job" from morality at the end of the day...it is El Shaddai, God all sufficient. "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to

Confessions of a hopeless romantic:  I own a lot, I mean a LOT of dating books.  A girl inherits these heirlooms from friends and sisters that get married.  They were all given to me, and reading at least two of them is like a rite of passage for the singleton.  I stand and laugh at the spines sitting pretty on the shelves.  I scoff.  I stagger and then declare, “You are no formula for happiness!”  Rather, I have learned more about pouring out my heart to God and in return hearing what He has to say.  This requires lots of hours on your face.  This means humbling yourself to the point of saying, "Father, teach me to delight in You alone  I don't want my fleshly comfort, I want Jesus."  Usually there are tears involved.  That’s where this relationship begins.  No amount of formulated books will bring comfort, but the Spirit of God Himself brings rest for my pining soul.    “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”—Psalm

If I were able to sit down and tell you exactly what made me write this, you'd think I'm nuts.  Let's just say it stems from a relationship that is as much a paradox to myself as it is to onlookers.  The beauty of it is, God gave us those human connections as a means of displaying His love that is ever patient, passionate, and tender.  Go back and read about my mourning doves if you must.   God loves us so much.   I mean that in no trivial sense. “My people have committed two sins:  they have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”—Jeremiah 2:13 God cries out to us.   John Piper sums it up that God gives us what we need the most:   Himself for our enjoyment forever.   So, here God is basically saying, “You would choose this, over Me?  Don’t you know I love you?”   And even previously in verse five He exclaims “What fault did your fathers find in me, that they strayed so far from me?” God knows, H

Today marks the second anniversary of me leaving ballet.  As I remember, I got a pedicure after all was said and done...finally no more pointe shoes to ruin my painted toenails.  However, this isn't a day to have self-pity.  I consider it a celebration of God's own victories in my heart!  David wrote in Psalm 21, "O Lord, the king rejoices in your strength.  How great is his joy in the victories you give!"  Yes, today marks the journey of such events.  Within one year's time God soothed the wounds and taught me a lot.  He is constantly saving me from the sin that hurts.  Idols are there, we are just blind to them.  Of course, until you leave the Rose theater crying. In addition, a year ago God brought further circumstances for me to walk with Him through.  It has a lot to do with giving up rights to desires of our hearts to find that God TRULY is the supreme fulfillment of them all. Lord, thank you for your continual patience as I will be learning this the re

There’s a mourning dove couple that sits out on my deck every summer.   Today my old friends have returned and I notice that the Christmas treats Mrs. Dove dished out were far too generous to them this year.   Both plump brown birds sit in the exact same spots every season.   I see the same affectionate signs of old love that can be noticed in humans.   How sweet that Mr. Dove sits patiently as the misses fixes his tie and collar.   How kind of Mr. to dotingly peck the Mrs. on the cheek.   As I sat watching a little bit of “shoulder time” between the love birds, God’s beauty was tender and sweet.   He made us for relationships.   They intricately display His glory in such a unique way.   It was clear in my own mind that Mrs. Dove and Mr. Dove rejoiced over each other’s company.   In the same way Christ rejoices over us.   To that, I smile and coo.   “…as a   bridegroom   rejoices   over   his   bride , so will your God rejoice over  you.”—Isaiah 62:5b

Day One:  March 20 th , 2011 Kansas is where I find myself this evening.  Praise God for the spark of electricity to let me type these few lines.  It’s Spring break and I’m half way in my journey to Dallas.  Already, I’ve felt God’s tugging on my heart that this trip is meant for more than just sun and Chick-fil-A.  Would you care to come along?  Read as much or as little as you like. God has already exposed the folly of my heart to judge the Mennonite community of Hesston, Kansas.  I stood in the buffet line and looked upon the woman in teal with a heart of distaste.  I don’t even really know what it was about her.  I just found myself disliking her way of worship, or even amount of food she was eating.  Anything that came to mind I found a fault in.  Ouch.  I didn’t expect to feel conviction about this, but then again the hateful thoughts (gasp!) of my heart should be no news to me.  I knew it couldn’t be right.  Jesus had compassion for people.  “Jesus, I need it now!” To finish

"Do not hold against us the sins of the fathers; may your mercy come quickly to meet us, for we are in desperate need."--Psalm 79:8 Earlier this week I was rummaging through my brain, trying to grasp the full capacity of why we need Christ.  I mean, I can go through the all the motions in a day without fully understanding the good news that we are redeemed.  Why must we be redeemed?  Why is Christ necessary? Today during work, I began to feel heavy-hearted.  I know some marriages that are struggling--makes no difference if they're believers or not.  I pridefully wish that we as followers of Christ could look on at the world and say we have things figured out compared to the "rest".  That's when my heart sunk to my feet.  Jesus.  We all NEED you. I have heard it before and I see more, that only with realization and acknowledgement of sin can we then accept salvation through Jesus Christ. "There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall shor